#1091 dear mister abbott

i have special needs in my class
i need newer books and comfortable chairs
i need the technology you say is here
i need to be appreciated by my employer
want to hear you say that what i do his challenging and worthy of respect
and to belive your words

dear mister abbott
i don't need you to like me
i need you to treat me with the respect that i
work so hard to instill amongst our students

dear mister abbott
i ask students for honesty
so here goes
i don't like the way you speak about teachers
i am suspicious of your motivations and your political choice of words
i hope my instinct is wrong
i hope you have the good of students in the heart under your smooth tie

dear mister abbott
let's talk

#1090 my mother's back

when i was a kid
     i performed miracles

seeing universal secrets
     by squishing my eyeballs with my hands
windmilling an ice-cream bucketful of dinky cars around and around
     without dropping one
walking entire blocks while managing to avoid alligators and detonations
     by avoiding
surviving in the back seat of the family parisienne as it hurtled into the city at 100km/hr (!)
     through a dark tunnel
using the force to will my big brother's coach to invite me on to the softball diamond to join them
     there's a reason they call the field a diamond, a special gem

these days, i perform new miracles
     growing to know my wife even deeper, after ten years together
          seeing students in the moment when they see the world a tiny bit differently
               writing poems that find people at just the right moment in their approximate 70 years here

#1089 "that's her calling now"

two old ladies talk on two old phones, sisters
two old ladies talking like two young girls
jealousy and love
shallowness and depth
a life together
a life apart
they say goodbye, until the next sunday

#1088 the patch

most people think small-town rinks are oval
but ours wasn't
three-quarters was
but one corner extended beyond the boards
to form a small forgotten patch of ice
we spent hours here
dreaming lord stanley dreams
while kicking reclaimed pucks with hand-me-down winter boots
the echo of a puck off the outside of the boards
the cold smell of perma-sweat
stopping to watch the zamboni driver
a god in the world of small-town rinks

#1087 crow's pose

i twist and contort my body
into seemingly simple sounding poses
but all come from the same motion
a full extension of the middle finger
intended for Age
my ego overfills every ashram
i compare and compete
toward self-defeat
why am i not good enough for this moment
why do i need pain to feel good
why do i push, insted of worship
my body

#1086 hot spot

a hundred poems sit in front of me
ripe and ready
but i see none
sometimes, i see them all
but today my poet eyes fail
an electric fireplace throws flickering stanzas of orange ,
drawers full of fresh phrases and tired cutlery
tables at odd angles with odd stories to tell
i know today's poem is there, but it escapes me
an underground fire

#1085 it strikes a chord

his face and his being
more in the moment than this second-hand
his instrument and his soul are teammates in a game they can only lose
and they can only win
a moment when the lyrics are secondary to the experience
both his and the audience'
the final chord
rings
long
not long enough

#1084 cliffless

breathing is a shallow verb performed in the mouth
friends' smiles morph into judgements
their compliments, empty pity
everything undone competes for real estate in my skull
days like this
are good reasons to live on the prairie

#1083 the black end of art and commitment

i've been tired for days
trying to plug in to this moment
this pause between tic and toc on the clock
but my mind is a blender
fast and mixed
my life camera is shaky
i haven't noticed my shaow since
     since 4pm freddy-sips and popsicle-sticks?
sing my voice out through a microphone
squeeze my heart out through a meat-grinder
waiting for someone to notice
instead of applaud

#1082 the neighbour

with a blue-collar rasp in her voice
and a secret smile in her eye
she teases me
not knowing my wishes

with her sun-speckled face
and her eagerness for adventure, big or small
she fascinates me
not knowing i want to lean closer

#1081 note to self

build new synaptic paths
each day is gift
not a checklist
embrace new and scary
don't hide in the ordinary, the mundane
half of life is today
one quarter is how you lived all the other todays
and the last quarter is how you look at them
the future never happens
is only a guess of what the new present will hold
a guess based on how you live your todays
sing
learn
fly

#1080 grandparents' kitchen

the woodstove fights the kitchen
for title of kitchen focal point
and a couch
acquired "gently used" two decades before
stretches along the wall in between
the light, that caused such consternation
clings to the ceiling above the table
though i cannot find the story in the furniture
this room spoke a narrative to my childhood
a narrative that arcs into my now

#1079 a pendulum of time

an underduck, an underduck
she squeals between pushes
i comply, running forward
as she pumps
climbing to heaven
falling back to earth
climbing to heaven falling
back to earth

#1078 this poem

now is the time
when i want to write a poem
that will be remembered by history herself
one that descendants will be bored studying
now is the time
but i will write this poem instead

#1077 the f- word

fun has arrived in the form of a friend
he was on the back porch after my work
with two beer in hand
new fun plans were made
and abandoned
for newer funner plans
and then fun draws more fun
and from  there our party grew
until fun went home
and then i read a book

#1076 outlets exposed

the feeling of home was indivisible
though the electrical all was visible
through the walls that were but skeletons
of what they would become

her house, half finished
her home, fully complete
what does a human need more
than mattress on plywood-patched floor
when there is friends and food
song and snack
(except maybe troy's zombie attack)

#1075 for the bedtime ceiling-starers... you are beautiful

this is for the kid who sits back row to watch the world
without letting the world watch them
this is for the kid who dreams of running, a track star
but can't walk to try-outs for shyness
this is for the kid who dreams at night
what he would do if he had the power that comes from being cool
this is for the short boy
who all the girls like, but none of the girls like
for the tall girl who stoops short
avoid intimidating the boys
this is for the black kid
who can't dance or sing
this is for the tall kid
who can't shoot a hoop
for the fat girl
from whom the boy friends seek advice on women
for the wimpy skinny boy
who thinks being big is being man
for the fat boy
who packages hurt in hues of humour
this is for the bench-warmers
who want more than a morsel of belonging
this is for the smart kid's sibling, the cheater
whose 100% is displayed on the refrigerator
this is for the kid who is a target, for bullying
who, after six schools, has given up on blaming the bullies
this is for the boy who prefers to play with the girls

someone else has been here
you are worthy
there is another side
someone loves you
you are beautiful
business gurus say people need to hear things seven times
before remembering

     you are beautiful
     you are beautiful
     you are beautiful
     you are beautiful
     you are beautiful
     you are beautiful
     you are beautiful
and just because
     you are beautiful

#1074 i do

while i'll always be a son i spend more time wearing my wedding ring
than i spend doing son things

i feel anger at myself
for branching too far out from the family tree

but there comes a time
when a boy must use the tools of a man
and build a family of his own hands

#1073 april

residents shovel snow
spreading it like icing
in their yardand on the streets
trying to melt winter
a little faster

they see snow melt
in the wake the lawn furniture leaves
between sheds and patios

spring is unwrapping doggy gifts
given in winter months
people pick it up
along with the trash
hiding the ugliness
focusing on the beauty that is spring

#1072 nope

the devil's angel jumps under paradise
like a defibrillator sits on a wall
feigning usefulness
creation is as big of a myth as evolution
let god drink gin
then we'll see what she's made of

#1071 sleep and dreams

what is sleep
but the unplugging of the day
dreams
now dreams are more
dreams are a key-card to a hotel room i would love to see
in the hotel of the human mind

#1070 triage

she knew
like a veteran nurse knows her favourite doctor's glove size
she knew
and she wanted to help
if people could send invisible waves of good vibes
they traveled from her to my bed

she did all the things that aren't taught

hid the blood


joked perfectly inappropriately about the threads
put ice in the water

and
somehow
she knew

#1069 soul survivor

my chest is open
my motivation and my soul exposed
the doctors see my inside
and fail to understand me
they fix my parts
but the whole stays broken
black butterflies flit from my stomach
carrying evil
as though evil had no weight
i have already done
what the stethoscoped are about to do
close me back up again

#1068 dear best friend / thirds

let my body tell your body a story
then my body will listen to yours

let my body tell your body what happened today
then mine will listen to every word yours has to say

let my legs scream to your legs at the end of today
what my legs did while yours were away

let my lips sing to you and to yours
in beats and times of twos and of fours

let my navel kiss the button on your belly
and whisper how your legs turn mine to jelly


let us say this, all this and more- in the kitchen, in the pantry
any room, any chair, don't count out the floor

let our bodies whisper, hum
let them sing dance holler and roar


and when we're done

let me and my body
ask you and yours
for seconds
and more

#1067 whiskey-sour, ginger-rye

georgie-porgie kissed the girls and made them cry
am i the only one that wondered why
was he abused one april day
is he he straight or is he gay
georgie-porgie kissed the girls and made them cry
we should ask, putting little georgie to the task
does he know how far they fall
while they wait upon his call
georgie-porgie kissed the girls and made them cry
will you be georgie, or will i
whiskey-sour, ginger-rye

#1066 on the carpool home

i did
he said i made a difference
and he's right
i did

i didn't realign the stars
or invent life-saving medical equipment
but i made a kid smile
feel good inside

i don't know how re-aligners of stars feel
or inventors of life-saving medical equipment
but i hope they feel kind of like this
good inside

#1065 the good flood

our generations share life on the cusp
between overabundance and its consequences
and soon that imaginary line will be behind us
and the literal consequences will be commonplace

i dare you to find a newspaper or a news broadcast
that does not foreshadow the flood
my toes were wet, now my shins
how did i not notice the waterline rising?

what do we do
when our water line
is farther and further above our heads
than any pump hose?

the answer?
connect our hoses
share and sacrifice
rebuild

#1064 life is more than good

saturday morning with nothing needing doing
goat cheese and bacon on still-warm homemade bread
me and my wife
with our dog
in our house
daffodils opening on the table
the dog, sprawled on the floor
with hopeful dark eyes
(as always happens, when bacon is in the air)

#1063 canadian whiskey

the whiskey makes the ice sound better
an inviting tink-t-tink
cubes swimming, synchronized
golden

#1062 a bad day

a shot of confidence
is what i need
just one vein-full of self-trust
then i could handle the news
handle the rest

find some genuine gravel
and fill the pothole inside my soul
that jars me awake
each time my wheels hit it

i want to see the colour in something
the good, the fun, the innocent
but how do you see innocence
when looking through eyes of guilt
when a rods and cones, are built for guilt

#1061 spring is in the error

i hear the inner life of the daffodil
cracking open the dry outer skin
and on today's walk
our dog chased the first robin
the house is begging for a cleaning
so, why in the hell is it hailing sideways out

#1060 tarnished

i just wish you could be honest
i understand you can't
the world is set up for us to lie to
build 180 degree rotated aprons
(to cover our butts)

i'm not a great employee
but i'm good
i'm great at parts
mediocre at others
the area where you said i was "unacceptable"
is a lie

the truth
the truth is i was too good in one small area
truth-telling
i told a truth that couldn't be heard

you can't fire me for telling the truth
so you twist another truth
transforming me into horrible

the second worst part is, i respected you
the worst part, i still do

#1059 Y

what is a man?
depth of voice, or depth of character
knowledge of hand tools and power tools, or knowledge of how to hand people power and tools
knowing how to drive fast, or knowing how to forgive fast

what is a man?
a person who has strength, or a person who is strength
a person who rebuilds hogs, or a person who rebuilds with hugs
a person who talks big, or a person who talks little

what is a man?
a male with a bigger member, or a male who is a member of something bigger
a father who teaches to shoot hoops, or a father who teaches to shoot for other planets
a man who appreciates all beautiful women, or a man who appreciates the beauty in all women

#1058 help me build the bus

they mock me because i idealize
but i feel sympathy that they eyes can't see the ideal
cause to idealize to to see the with ideal eyes
not ideal lies
i see what CAN BE
but i don't JUST see what can be
i see what is
and i look at the route from Is Street to Our-Potential Avenue
and when i feel low
i gain strength by looking at how far Is Street is from Where-We-Came-From Boulevard
i see the best in us in the eyes of our daughters and sons
sets and rises of our sons
remember that moonshine is not always a compound word
but natue's light in nature's dark
the yin in the black sky of yang
i be an idealist
make my ideal lists
of everything from home improvements
to the things about me i want to be

there is no bus from Is Street to Our-Potential Avenue
no air-conditioned seat on wheels
but that isn't to say there can't be

#1057 the bloody detail

detail is the circulatory system of fiction
keeping everything alive, moving
is the train transporting vital cargo
limited to no one part of the body
pumping, flowing, fighting
fighting disease
boredom, staleness, hyper-cerebral
keeping the body, the story, alive, moving, active
able to perform all of its action verbs
detail, infuses the story
with truth

#1056 a gazillion roads diverged in a yellow wood

the friend we lose touch with
the one we never felt we'd lose touch with
the house we don't buy
the one we think is "the one" while we're looking at it
the adult thing we hear ourselves saying
the thing we swore we'd never say
life is a novel with an ending we'll never predict
but we won't stop from guessing
we choose our own adventures
and our own adventures choose us

#1055 master puppeteer

a playground full of puppets
wait for their orders
from a box full of commands and propaganda
this has been for years
only the box
grows flatter and larger

#1054 a magnifying glass in the hand of a poet

a weed growing through an asphalt crack
a raindrop turning a puddle into concentric rings
snow, bowing a tree to the ground
all ordinary sights
but if one pays them extra attention
notices them more
then the extra ordinary
compounds the words into one

#1053 ...is watching

two years older and a hundred feet taller
a rebel, a daredevil, a hero
forbidden music, underage cigarettes, secret places
and i got to join
it was not my world
too much glitz and rulebreaking
not my world, but i had a peak, a glimpse
my membership felt phony
but i enjoyed the rush, enjoyed the glimpse

#1052 gage

i was once a symbol of status, of greatness
i had weight, a special home in every house
i was a gift for special transitional occasions 

now
i am a relic
a discarded ornament
to be found in the discount sale bin

have you ever wondered
      if you've outlived your purpose
      known that your prime is past
there is no wondering for me

#1051 petory wrods

wrods, olny ltetres
taht algin toghteer
itno wrods

raedres' mdins
barehte manenig itno wrods
gvinig ltetres lfie

raedres
boceme prat fo peom
lkie witrres

#1050 fingernail grit

i'm trying to build me a mountain
but all i got is dirty hands
people shaking people heads

i'm trying
to build me a mountain
i need more dirt
but all i got is sunshine and babbling brooks

i'm trying
to build me a mountain
but their superior smirks are louder than my little voice
tempting me to join, to sit on a throne as a King of Lameness

i'm trying
to build me a mountain
i got no shovel, just two hands, gifts, received from the universe
these hands worked miracles before, they can build a mountain

i'm trying
to build me a mountain
you can watch
you can laugh
you can help
you can build your own
you got your choices
i got mine
i'm building me a mountain

#1049 cowboys and christmas trees

i'm a cowboy, without his hat
a christmas tree, with nothing on
i am franti, with no guitar
marley, without his spliff
i'm a dairy farmer's dinner, without the meat
a city street, without its traffic
a car without its wheels
and i'm here, wondering where
i ought to be
wondering where, my purpose is
if it ain't here with me
and i'm here, wondering where
i ought to be
wondering where, my purpose is
if it ain't here with me

#1048 dear Earth

i'd say, dump him 
he can talk a nice talk
but look at how he treats you
takes what he wants
feigns dignity once or twice a year for his friends
i'd say, respect your self, dump him
faster than he dumps his toxic waste into your rivers

what has he ever done for you
make two lists
one of what he's done for you
one of what he's done to you
then, while there's still plenty of fish in your oceans,
dump him

#1047 i love

your hair
that obstructs my kisses
your hands
that write to-do lists of things i don't want to do
your mouth
that babbles when i wish for silence
your feet
that freeze my legs under winter's covers
your eyes
that announce when i've failed to be a man
all of you

all of you
who worry that i don't
every part
and don't ask why
because there is no reason
and there are too many reasons to list

#1046 inspired by montgomery

how many of john's angels
watch dish dirt harden
daydream about cowboys that could have been

how many husbands come home from work in the evening
and watch the news, numbing their mind
from thoughts of the gap between the man they are and the man they wanted to be

how many children
grow up in a house haunted by the spiderweb-covered ghost of love
never hearing the real story of how their parents met
unable to imagine the passion of lovers
only the routine of two who have given up
sleeping in separate beds in separate rooms
blaming everything from insomnia to sleep disorders to stertor

how many women want to turn into angels that fly from dusty houses
how many men want to be the wand that does the turning

#1045 the man who yells at kids walking home from school

i understand now
cranky old men
i get them

i'm not saying i'll be one
but if i lost her
if i lost her
i see how it can happen

anger at the world who took yours
keeping people at a frown's distance
armed with the knowledge of the depth
of love's stab
and the wound that won't heal

#1044 table for one, please

she doesn't mind the host's double check
table for one?
or the waiter's
doesn't mind hearing references to the patheticness of it
from her tv screen
doesn't mind the quiet

what she hates
is the empty chair across from her
empty
the chair makes her feel not like she's eating alone
but that she's not eating with him
the chair sits there and he does not
feels silly to order ketchup on the side and leave it, untouched
but it was his favourite

#1043 resistance is futile

we whisper, as democracy is picked from our pocket
resistancee is futile
we say, as our rights are robbed beyond reason
resistance is futile
we complain, as our safety is severed and stolen
resistance is futile
fu-tile
but mabe we have the word backwards

Instead of the “few” preceeding the “I”

Let “I” appear first, then the few,

The rest will follow

Resist

Assist, persist, raise a fist

RESIST

Act in wisdom, but act

Doing nothing, is acceptance, an invitation

Doing something, is putting the “stance” in resistance

And maybe they will think you crazy

But that is what pawns call knights

For making moves no one else will

Resist the powers that be

Make them be loving

Make them be compassionate

Make them serve everyone

Resist the powers that be

For today they be greedy

For today they be self-serving

For today they be danger

Resist, resist, resist

Don’t just fight against

Fight for

As you swing your sword from  horseback

Keep your “for’s”

In front of your eyes

What are your for’s

I hope you fight FOR love, compassion, the unserved

#1042 unwrapped

crawling into bed

I am one inch shorter than when I met today

commitments, to-do list items, resignation, and compromise

are each owners of part of that inch

and though sleep will return most of it, i

am of an age when those fractions of inches that sleep fails to return

begin to show

ife has given me many smiles

But she has also made me tired

I am not yet halfway to death’s mailbox

But I’ve noticed time’s trick

Of chugging slow out of the race gates

Then speeding beyond belief as she moves along

I fear the day I arrive

But only as much as I fear that some of life’s gifts remain on the table, unwrapped

#1041 life is a breeze

no one notices the wind at their back

until they turn to return and face wind face first

then we wish for what we once had and never appreciated

how do we appreciate the air

how does a clam appreciate the water

how does a cloud appreciate the sky

how do we appreciate

the wind at our back

life and love

and free passes and fair shakes

NO INTERNET FOR A WEEK: WILL CATCH UP THEN

#1040 conscious daze

i count the days
instead of making the days count
wishing all the todays
turn into tomorrows
instead, all the tomorrows
turn into todays

i breathe without thinking
think without thought
the hands of seconds, hours, minutes
spin in days
as silly as any revolutionaries
finishing where they began
only to revolve again
spinning without end
spin in a daze

#1039 my knees are meteorologists

my back is old
my knees are meteorologists
hair requires clipping in places where it never did before
my birthday cakes an out of room last decade
and
i'm happy
memories pull smiles across my face
stories of yesterday and tomorrow
increase my excitement for life
my friends tell me i've lived a good life
not with their words
but with their being my friends

#1038 november snow in august sun

your blue jeans and a plaid shirt
make me want to paint you a new shade of forever
the way your eyes share a secret laugh with mine
that visitors don't notice
the miracle of how different we are
but how similar our core beliefs

#1037 ancestral skies

a sky-full of eyes disapproves of my lies and compromise
my principles challenged by reality, i wavered
now i stand
half-principled, half-souled
wishing i could have been more man
knowing i would do the same again
still
the night sky is full of the eyes of everyone i love
and i cannot look up at the stars

#1036 the "i" in majority

speaking your mind is only dangerous if
your thoughts run against the majority
and enough people are listening
to change the majority

then
you are threatening a system
a way way of thinking
a collective

then
you matter

#1035 bill 22 bill 22

democracy is a crime cloaked in doublespeak
democracy is childhood dream
and as a new country, we are still a child
democracy is a an empty slogan, a farce, an illusion
a lie you can believe until you stand in the government's way
why should we tell the world they need to be a democracy
when we cannot do so ourselves 

#1034 word, spoken

people gather
first-timers and show-offs
friends and strangers
words are read
from paper, from memory
then, with some change
in brain philosophy and brain physiology
people disperse
rippling out of building and into the world

#1033 sunshine and loss

victory and loss are as inevitable
as sunshine and rain
as smiles and tears

but past victories can only help so much
when you're gripped, in loss's talons
when your eyes and the skies overflow, with rain and tears

for what it's worth dear reader
sunshine and smiles, though they may never be the same
sunshine and smiles, they will return

#1032 sleep tight

there are monsters behind your door
they'll tear your skin in strips
there are monsters behind your door
they'll eat your eyeballs like bedtime snacks
there are monsters behind your door
they love your tasty blood type
there are monsters behind your door
i hope you don't need to pee

#1031 comfort

close the curtain
come to bed
that world can wait until tomorow
go get ready for bed
i'll warm your side of the bed
let us lay our bodies
under this comforter
and sleep
but first,
close the curtain

#1030 dear wallflower: ask her out

secure jobs, guaranteed income, safety deposit boxes
make me think risk is bad, to be avoided
if that's so ,then why do
     skydivers
          singers
               and free-travelers
send jealousy
climbing up my esophagus

#1029 happiness $179

fake flame flickers
creating imagined warmth
and i sit sipping, comfortable
alone, content
happily deceived

#1028 why

i see minds change
and young people question their own beliefs
i see frustration
and then elation when they "get it"
i see kindness and helpfulness and humanity
sure, i see bad things too
but the things here, this is why i teach

#1027 weather or not

what if words were snowflakes falling
and the perfect poem settled on your tongue
and dissolved
leaving your tongue a secret the world wished it knew

what if letters were wind
and the perfect story pushed past your face
whispering to your spring skin
leaving you feeling ready for the day, yet like you forgot some important appointment

what if sentences were the sound of thunder
and the secret of life cracked from the sky and into your ears
explained everything, while you counted, waiting for the next boom
leaving only a distant echo of lightning's vibration

#1026 spoiled by miracles

each day is a miracle
so i fail to appreciate
like any priceless gem
in a mountain of treasure
how many miracles, will i give up today
question of today

each piece of furniture
every free moment
like the winnings of an addict
i piss it away
how many miracles, add up to happiness
question of today

each book on the shelf
every carton in the fridge
like the gift from last year's birthday
unnoticed today
how many miracles
how many miracles, did i miss on today

#1025 popeye cigarettes and crackerjacks

childhood is slurping from a brook and boys taunting boys to touch the electric fence
childhood ends and few know when or why
childhood is checking for winners under discarded bottle caps, and playing hockey on gravel
childhood is a lie by accident because we don't know the truth
childhood is thinking your big brother has it all and that if we could only cover the world with a tarp, the inconvenience of rain would be solved
childhood is the phenomenon that grown-ups spend everyday trying to get over while trying to re-enact
childhood is finding the prize in the cereal box
nothing more, nothing less

#1024 things without end

laundry
dishes
bed-making

love
memories
kind deeds

circles
roads
and rings

#1023 the smelll of the mechanic's shop

the grit of the autobody shop soap
speaks to me
of what it means to be a man
gritty, tough, clean, practical
the mirror wedged behind the faucet
leaning against the grimy wall
shows me the man inside the boy's body

#1022 cheese trumps chocolate, this is how

this is how
like, we weren't made for each other
because no one could guess how great we'd be for each other
that kind of match can be made up by none other than
the power of coincidence
this is how
like, i want to be nothing but my best
like wasting time on youtube or tv or sleeping in
is a sin
because she's in the world
so i want to be better than those things
(unless i'm sleeping in with her)
this is how
like, angels are cool and all
but expected, predictable, and cliche
none of which apply to her
this is how
like, sticking my chest out at other guys
is a waste of time
because she walks beside me
because she makes me want to make other people feel loved, not intimidated
and besides, it hurts them enough to know she's walking beside me
and so i hope they find their own someone
this is how
like cheese is more romantic than chocolate
because, she likes it more
and cheese makes her happy
and i think it's so cool that she
likes cheese more than sweets
this is how
like, rainbows and fireworks and waterfalls and northern lights
like they're just doing a job
like they're just trying to describe the feeling my chest experiences when call display announces she's calling
and like, forgiving them for coming up short
this is how
this is how my life has changed

#1021

remember when life was play, with a little bit of work
when did they flip
must have been gradual, not to be noticed, no "one moment"
but here you are, judging self-worth on the profession that eats more of your weekly hours than sleep does
the profession that leaves a skinless skeleton of yourself to kiss your kids goodnight before vegging and then going to bed yourself, setting the alarm to do it all over again
you wonder where your money goes?
look around
your life is filled with crap
and crap costs money
add up the value of just your belongings you can see now, from where you sit
there is still time
play

#1020 alone on a teeter-totter

have you ever been home alone
and wanted to learn what it feels like to scrape your facial skin under your fingernails
top to bottom, eyes to chin
long and, slow
like a grade 5 boy's nails on a chalkboard

ever wanted to learn what it felt like?
both on your face and under your nails
ever felt like the trade of the price of pain for pay-off- the relief of release
might be a bargain

ever felt the weight of the to-do list you feel you've carried in your pocket your whole life
ever felt it?
let your mind linger on it?
to wear those ten scar lines of today's warrior
so the world will see your mark of the survivor
so they'll be awkward and/or avoid you

they don't understand that your enemies are their enemy
the everyday
the contentment
the overabundance,
the desensitization
the distance
the difficulty
    with words like "love" and "thank-you" and "hug"

a part of me hopes you have
i hope you never bring it past wondering
but it'd be nice to not be the only one on this lonely playground

#1019 this ball we call home

someone sliced my world in half
the way you used to cut your apples
someone grabbed my world and shook it
with two hands, the way you used to shake the
snowglobe i gave you our first christmas together
someone crushed my world with the ball of their foot like
the way you used to tap your foot beneath the pub table, to live music
someone collapsed my world to crumbs by
wringing their hands the way you did before telling me you scratched my car
someone cut the cnter out of my world, the way the
early morning baker cuts the centers out of his donuts

#1019 the smell of balsam

i'mperfect
created in the image of a god i used to believe in
until religion ruined our relation
now, in true hippy fashion
i describe myself as more spiritual than religious
my spiritual battery gets a better charge from a walk alone in the woods
than from plugging into a pew once a week
the thing about a pew surrounded by opulence is
something stinks
but i like the way nature stinks
nature's stink inspires me
gives me hope for humanity
and patience for when humanity fails to match those hopes

#1018 carrying thoughts

men receive a multitude of unwritten rights for the simple unintentional act of being born with one   
          extra external part, from
inside a woman we call mother
sometimes we see the multitude, sometimes we fail
carrying life is something i will never "get" or get to do
and i'm okay with that, having
realized the pain of secondary loss, having
realized it twice
i have the luxury of wondering if i
am capable of handling a success, but i have the certainty of knowing i am incapable of handling a
      failure, having
gone through this twice, both times
ending with the acrimonious, not the acronymous, but in the caustic subject of this acrostic

#1017 sound whole

the hollow body of the guitar
the master listener
hearing the tinny whinings of six strings at once
and reflecting back the beauty of their sounds
amplifying
transcending notes into chords
the way lyricists transform letters into stories

and we humans still fail to learn
that just because something has a hole in it
doesn't mean it's not worth keeping
in fact
sometimes the hole provides the value

#1016 changing forever

a male
not a boy, not a man
stands by a radio
the song playing
changing forever

minutes before
his inner-planet
imploded
changing forever

something breaks in his soul
something new leeches onto his skull's interior
changing forever

#1015 black-and-white

one-hundred-thousand words fall around my head
i try to catch them in the right order
to write a novel that will change the world
instead, i drown in words
wishing i could swim

#1014 4 letter l-word

life, lived for other people, is not a life
life, lived for oneself, is not a life

life is...
   learning to ride a bicycle
      baking
         studying for a final
   finding the balance
      finding the right mix
         learning not to stress (too much)

life is now
life is yesterday
life is tomorrow

#1013 saturday morning sleep-ins

you had the best body for saturday morning
for lounging in bed
for procrastinating all the things the week failed to check off

you had the best body for saturday morning
for curling and for spooning and for cuddling
for reading beside, for chatting to, for talking about all the possibilities for breakfast

you had the best body for saturday morning
but now i lie in bed alone on this saturday, mourning

#1012 putting the I back in items

the daily to-do lists exemplify
what is wrong with today
what if you had to write a to-be list each day
1. truthful person
2. loyal friend
3. honest human
4. available family member
if we put our fingers' attention to what we want to be
instead of what we want to do
i think i'd feel a more accomplished person
than if i kept track of of all the shopping and cleaning i accomplished
but instead of being an accomplishment
i am satisfied, through busy-ness,
at being an accomplice
to what is wrong, with today

#1011 today's poem

sometimes, i want to write the deepest, most powerful, most poignant poem the world has ever known
to have my name mentioned ahead of billy shakes'
to have similes like psychedelic campfires
to make my metaphors maimed angels
images that make the northern lights look like my images' shadows
and other times
i just want to write my daily poem
and call it done

#1010 greyed expectations

my feet delivered me here

within arm's reach, on the bookstore shelf sits a

happy book with a happy pink cover with a happy new mother

with her 

smile and her

newborn baby

but happiness is relative to me

i have no relative to name, or to carry my name after me

tried twice but 

justice, two babies, and two fragments of my soul got

    miscarried

i lost two things that i

    never had

i'm becoming an expert on the first trimester

can i handle a third first trimester?

after the second in one year i 

gave god the digit between the 

 annularis and the secundus manus as a gesture

after the last first trimester

i tried to muster 

the love i need to be being human being

why did my feet deliver me to this aisle?

could they see what is stuck spinning in my brain every time they step, every poem, every day?

it takes all the love i have to

feel love for the shiny glossy glowing woman with her 

smile and her

newborn baby

the book educates, soothes fears, reduces tears

all noble goals

but where is my book?

for the adult who lost two babies, while they were still Maybe's

with its cover so unmarketable a 

wannabee-parent with two dead Almost's, unremarkable

direct my feet to that aisle

grief?

self-help?

miscellaneous?

tell my feet where my answers wait in print

tell my feet why the next time will be better

tell my feet why they shouldn't cry at condolences

tell my feet why they shouldn't feel defeat

tell my feet

tell my feet

#1009 blt and chips

we eat big bedtime snacks until we're full
to fill the empty bedtimes spent alone
empty calories filled with meaning
full lives filled with emptiness
the problem is, we are living the dream
we are sleeping right through it

slow down with a fast
not to empty your self
but to fill your being
that each bite becomes a salubrious sensation
that each sip is gratifying gift
we are feeding the beast that is killing us all

find a quiet bench in a loud city
be surrounded by noises and find a quiet, a silence- inside yourself
find a bench that speaks to you in something quieter and clearer than words
sit
breathe
turn down the noise volume, so we can hear one another crying and praying

#1008 a generation of dads

he is of another time
a time when you replaced the dead family dog
after burying the original
buried him along with all emotion and memories
and maybe a toy, if no one's watching

he is of a time when you could cry for a lifetime
but only on the inside
he tried to hide tears and pride
and he did
only to have it pop out of the grave in the next generation

he cannot name emotion
feeling is something men do with hands in engines to solve problems
he is too busy forcing emotions down his esophagus
that he doesn't distinguish them
so naming is impossible

he just knows he buried the only being that understood him
the only being he was permitted to hug
and talk silly to and play with

#1007 i'm crying because spaceships are hard to eat

why am i crying?
oh heavens, what a question, child
i suppose i'm crying because spaceship parts are hard to eat
and spaceship parts is, what's in my lunch today
in my lunch a lot of days

why do i have spaceship parts in my lunch?
oh heavens, you do ask questions, child
i suppose "God" put the spaceship in my fridge
a spaceship the size of the veryestestest biggestestest giganticestest
mountainest mountain in the world
well i didn't want to tell god, "god,i hate eating spaceships!"
besides, i wasn't home when god put the spaceship in my fridge
and besides besides, i don't know god's cell phone number or e-mail address and we're not friends
at least, not on facebook

so anyways, i didn't want to tell god, "god, i hate eating spaceships!"
but even if i could talk to god, or e-mail god, or text god... i couldn't lie and say, "t-h-x 4 the spaceship, god" either
and so i eat some bites of spaceship for lunch
today i eat cockpit-bits
some breakfasts i bite the bulkhead
some fridays i feed on the fuselage
some sandwiches i stack with stabilizers
that is why i have spaceship parts in my lunch

will i ever finish eating my spaceship?
oh heavens, i don't know
one wednesday, i ate a whole wing
but another time, for a full fortnight i fasted- did not munch one measly morsel, nor bite one bit of booster
oh heavens, i don't know
i doubt i'll ever finish
though even if i do, i'm talking about a BIG spaceship here
a spaceship the size of the veryestestest biggestestest giganticestest
mountainest mountain in the world
so even if i do finish, a dish that big stays with you (you know, indigestion and the like)

do i like eating my spaceship?
oh heavens, no
though i, suppose i do like some things about eating my spaceship
i like knowing i can eat whole wings just, little ol' me
i like how strong my stomach is (when i first found the spaceship in my fridge i never thought i'd eat so much)
i like feeling connected with other spaceship-eaters (i know one special spaceship-eater and sometimes we share our spaceships: i bite a bit of hers and she chews a chunk of mine)
but, do i like eating my spaceships?

oh heavens, no
i hate eating spaceships, child

#1006

imagine a place

where arcteryx and north face are in style
while calvin klein and ralph lauren are almost shunned
a place where your bike is expected to cost more than your car
(if you have a car)
a town small enough that a trip to the grocery store is 1/4 shopping and 3/4 socializing
but big enough that there's always new people to meet
a place where red wine is not given, but lent
a place where adults get excited for snow falling
a place where 10cm is not just a length, but a rule, a way of life
a place for people who want more from life than 9 to 5

imagine
a place like that

#1005 good-bye

i didn't know how much i missed him
until he left
then happy meals felt sad
thinking about how much he'd enjoy them

and when he leaves this place
what will i do then
the present will twist into regrets
and i'll be the cranky old man i now misunderstand

#1004 the fax machine ain't nothin'

dancing with the dog in the dining room
dance moves i didn't know i had
dance moves that would embarass the most carefree
but in this house
embarassing dance moves are encouraged
singing along is expected
and hurting from yesterday's laughter is normal

#1003 putting the ex in complex

it was a best western in montreal
where we did everything we'd never done
when we woke, you were in my arms

i dressed
i kissed you and you smiled
then i left you
behind

for once
angry tension did not stand between us
i walked out the lobby and back to my own hotel
your smile on my lips

#1002 down by the river

down by the river, they talked about what would happen if she was pregnant
money and schedules and living and grandparents
they had the baby all figured
it would be tough, but they'd manage
but they did not discuss how to handle nature's cruel choice
to keep the baby from seeing the light outside the womb
they only knew how they would decorate the nursery room
and their hearts blow
like plastic grocery bags in the wind
empty and lonely and sad
and searching for meaning
in a world they learned was not malicious
but dished out malicious acts

if he could meet god
just for a minute
he'd want an explanation
want to ask the famous why
but he'd probably see red
the same red the doctor saw
he'd see red
punch god in the face
then leave
to later wish he'd asked about the fairness

#1001 the injustice of miscarriage

the tears don't dry, they just float
into the air to join the others
my tears share the ocean with the tears of others
kings and slaves
my friends and my enemies
holocaust survivors and with hitler supporters
i thought grief was on the list, with death and taxes
but i've been proven wrong
twice

#1000 the kind of friend i love

is someone who knows where (or if) you keep your house key
someone who visits, without phoning ahead
someone who falls asleep at your party, without apologizing
someone who doesn't give you a beer, they lend it, 'cause they'll get one back their next visit

is someone who tells you about the chocolate in your teeth
someone who you can share silence with
someone who doesn't do drama
someone who knows the worst things about you, and loves them

#999 you're it

night and day play tag
killing time outdoors
while grief visits inside
they chase and dodge
in an even match
killing time
the gift
that life gives each of us
well
most of us

#998 a fair poem

fair is a joke
a steel-toe kick in the balls
a slobbery spit in the eye

fair is a 4-letter f-word
a joke against humanity
a mockery of justice

fair is a fairy tale
currency for enamel
chocolate from a deranged holy bunny

fuck fair
fuck daisies
fuck hope


after all
hope fucked us

#997 falling in powder

i'm okay
or
if i'm not
i know i will be

we took the risk
and the die rolled one roll too few
but we'll be back at the table
with our chips and our smiles

friends are like snow
the more you have
then the, bigger the risk
the, softer the landing

today is a powder day
and the landing still hurt, a lot
but had there been ice or rock
i might not be typing

we half-tease
no friends on a powder day
but my friends are a powder day
thanks for being there

i'm okay
or
if i'm not
i know i will be

#996 riveting

i think about youtube but watch 2 hours of TED instead
to ease the guilt on my conscience, about my soul being dead
two hours of staring at a screen, but now i can call my dirty sin
clean

waste my morning in 20 minute clips
might as well watch teenager strips

i was given Today but i waste it away
watch the neuroscientist with a brain on a tray, to make it okay

put my sin to words to make some powerful session
like i got a monopoly on the deep in depression
but the only way to get out of being down
is to rise up
not rise up, like on no eagle's wings or spaceship things
not rise up like an angel in shrouds or miracle up through the clouds
but to rise up
up off this @#& couch

#995 lobster dinner

free the worm from the hook
the ant from the sole of the workboot
the broken baby bird twitching on the sidewalk
and if you'll not save life, then save pain
a pinch
a scuff
a twist of the neck
why do little boys de-wing little flies
why do little girls exclude little girls
why do we boil lobster live