#1035 bill 22 bill 22

democracy is a crime cloaked in doublespeak
democracy is childhood dream
and as a new country, we are still a child
democracy is a an empty slogan, a farce, an illusion
a lie you can believe until you stand in the government's way
why should we tell the world they need to be a democracy
when we cannot do so ourselves 

#1034 word, spoken

people gather
first-timers and show-offs
friends and strangers
words are read
from paper, from memory
then, with some change
in brain philosophy and brain physiology
people disperse
rippling out of building and into the world

#1033 sunshine and loss

victory and loss are as inevitable
as sunshine and rain
as smiles and tears

but past victories can only help so much
when you're gripped, in loss's talons
when your eyes and the skies overflow, with rain and tears

for what it's worth dear reader
sunshine and smiles, though they may never be the same
sunshine and smiles, they will return

#1032 sleep tight

there are monsters behind your door
they'll tear your skin in strips
there are monsters behind your door
they'll eat your eyeballs like bedtime snacks
there are monsters behind your door
they love your tasty blood type
there are monsters behind your door
i hope you don't need to pee

#1031 comfort

close the curtain
come to bed
that world can wait until tomorow
go get ready for bed
i'll warm your side of the bed
let us lay our bodies
under this comforter
and sleep
but first,
close the curtain

#1030 dear wallflower: ask her out

secure jobs, guaranteed income, safety deposit boxes
make me think risk is bad, to be avoided
if that's so ,then why do
     skydivers
          singers
               and free-travelers
send jealousy
climbing up my esophagus

#1029 happiness $179

fake flame flickers
creating imagined warmth
and i sit sipping, comfortable
alone, content
happily deceived

#1028 why

i see minds change
and young people question their own beliefs
i see frustration
and then elation when they "get it"
i see kindness and helpfulness and humanity
sure, i see bad things too
but the things here, this is why i teach

#1027 weather or not

what if words were snowflakes falling
and the perfect poem settled on your tongue
and dissolved
leaving your tongue a secret the world wished it knew

what if letters were wind
and the perfect story pushed past your face
whispering to your spring skin
leaving you feeling ready for the day, yet like you forgot some important appointment

what if sentences were the sound of thunder
and the secret of life cracked from the sky and into your ears
explained everything, while you counted, waiting for the next boom
leaving only a distant echo of lightning's vibration

#1026 spoiled by miracles

each day is a miracle
so i fail to appreciate
like any priceless gem
in a mountain of treasure
how many miracles, will i give up today
question of today

each piece of furniture
every free moment
like the winnings of an addict
i piss it away
how many miracles, add up to happiness
question of today

each book on the shelf
every carton in the fridge
like the gift from last year's birthday
unnoticed today
how many miracles
how many miracles, did i miss on today

#1025 popeye cigarettes and crackerjacks

childhood is slurping from a brook and boys taunting boys to touch the electric fence
childhood ends and few know when or why
childhood is checking for winners under discarded bottle caps, and playing hockey on gravel
childhood is a lie by accident because we don't know the truth
childhood is thinking your big brother has it all and that if we could only cover the world with a tarp, the inconvenience of rain would be solved
childhood is the phenomenon that grown-ups spend everyday trying to get over while trying to re-enact
childhood is finding the prize in the cereal box
nothing more, nothing less

#1024 things without end

laundry
dishes
bed-making

love
memories
kind deeds

circles
roads
and rings

#1023 the smelll of the mechanic's shop

the grit of the autobody shop soap
speaks to me
of what it means to be a man
gritty, tough, clean, practical
the mirror wedged behind the faucet
leaning against the grimy wall
shows me the man inside the boy's body

#1022 cheese trumps chocolate, this is how

this is how
like, we weren't made for each other
because no one could guess how great we'd be for each other
that kind of match can be made up by none other than
the power of coincidence
this is how
like, i want to be nothing but my best
like wasting time on youtube or tv or sleeping in
is a sin
because she's in the world
so i want to be better than those things
(unless i'm sleeping in with her)
this is how
like, angels are cool and all
but expected, predictable, and cliche
none of which apply to her
this is how
like, sticking my chest out at other guys
is a waste of time
because she walks beside me
because she makes me want to make other people feel loved, not intimidated
and besides, it hurts them enough to know she's walking beside me
and so i hope they find their own someone
this is how
like cheese is more romantic than chocolate
because, she likes it more
and cheese makes her happy
and i think it's so cool that she
likes cheese more than sweets
this is how
like, rainbows and fireworks and waterfalls and northern lights
like they're just doing a job
like they're just trying to describe the feeling my chest experiences when call display announces she's calling
and like, forgiving them for coming up short
this is how
this is how my life has changed

#1021

remember when life was play, with a little bit of work
when did they flip
must have been gradual, not to be noticed, no "one moment"
but here you are, judging self-worth on the profession that eats more of your weekly hours than sleep does
the profession that leaves a skinless skeleton of yourself to kiss your kids goodnight before vegging and then going to bed yourself, setting the alarm to do it all over again
you wonder where your money goes?
look around
your life is filled with crap
and crap costs money
add up the value of just your belongings you can see now, from where you sit
there is still time
play

#1020 alone on a teeter-totter

have you ever been home alone
and wanted to learn what it feels like to scrape your facial skin under your fingernails
top to bottom, eyes to chin
long and, slow
like a grade 5 boy's nails on a chalkboard

ever wanted to learn what it felt like?
both on your face and under your nails
ever felt like the trade of the price of pain for pay-off- the relief of release
might be a bargain

ever felt the weight of the to-do list you feel you've carried in your pocket your whole life
ever felt it?
let your mind linger on it?
to wear those ten scar lines of today's warrior
so the world will see your mark of the survivor
so they'll be awkward and/or avoid you

they don't understand that your enemies are their enemy
the everyday
the contentment
the overabundance,
the desensitization
the distance
the difficulty
    with words like "love" and "thank-you" and "hug"

a part of me hopes you have
i hope you never bring it past wondering
but it'd be nice to not be the only one on this lonely playground

#1019 this ball we call home

someone sliced my world in half
the way you used to cut your apples
someone grabbed my world and shook it
with two hands, the way you used to shake the
snowglobe i gave you our first christmas together
someone crushed my world with the ball of their foot like
the way you used to tap your foot beneath the pub table, to live music
someone collapsed my world to crumbs by
wringing their hands the way you did before telling me you scratched my car
someone cut the cnter out of my world, the way the
early morning baker cuts the centers out of his donuts

#1019 the smell of balsam

i'mperfect
created in the image of a god i used to believe in
until religion ruined our relation
now, in true hippy fashion
i describe myself as more spiritual than religious
my spiritual battery gets a better charge from a walk alone in the woods
than from plugging into a pew once a week
the thing about a pew surrounded by opulence is
something stinks
but i like the way nature stinks
nature's stink inspires me
gives me hope for humanity
and patience for when humanity fails to match those hopes

#1018 carrying thoughts

men receive a multitude of unwritten rights for the simple unintentional act of being born with one   
          extra external part, from
inside a woman we call mother
sometimes we see the multitude, sometimes we fail
carrying life is something i will never "get" or get to do
and i'm okay with that, having
realized the pain of secondary loss, having
realized it twice
i have the luxury of wondering if i
am capable of handling a success, but i have the certainty of knowing i am incapable of handling a
      failure, having
gone through this twice, both times
ending with the acrimonious, not the acronymous, but in the caustic subject of this acrostic

#1017 sound whole

the hollow body of the guitar
the master listener
hearing the tinny whinings of six strings at once
and reflecting back the beauty of their sounds
amplifying
transcending notes into chords
the way lyricists transform letters into stories

and we humans still fail to learn
that just because something has a hole in it
doesn't mean it's not worth keeping
in fact
sometimes the hole provides the value

#1016 changing forever

a male
not a boy, not a man
stands by a radio
the song playing
changing forever

minutes before
his inner-planet
imploded
changing forever

something breaks in his soul
something new leeches onto his skull's interior
changing forever

#1015 black-and-white

one-hundred-thousand words fall around my head
i try to catch them in the right order
to write a novel that will change the world
instead, i drown in words
wishing i could swim

#1014 4 letter l-word

life, lived for other people, is not a life
life, lived for oneself, is not a life

life is...
   learning to ride a bicycle
      baking
         studying for a final
   finding the balance
      finding the right mix
         learning not to stress (too much)

life is now
life is yesterday
life is tomorrow

#1013 saturday morning sleep-ins

you had the best body for saturday morning
for lounging in bed
for procrastinating all the things the week failed to check off

you had the best body for saturday morning
for curling and for spooning and for cuddling
for reading beside, for chatting to, for talking about all the possibilities for breakfast

you had the best body for saturday morning
but now i lie in bed alone on this saturday, mourning

#1012 putting the I back in items

the daily to-do lists exemplify
what is wrong with today
what if you had to write a to-be list each day
1. truthful person
2. loyal friend
3. honest human
4. available family member
if we put our fingers' attention to what we want to be
instead of what we want to do
i think i'd feel a more accomplished person
than if i kept track of of all the shopping and cleaning i accomplished
but instead of being an accomplishment
i am satisfied, through busy-ness,
at being an accomplice
to what is wrong, with today

#1011 today's poem

sometimes, i want to write the deepest, most powerful, most poignant poem the world has ever known
to have my name mentioned ahead of billy shakes'
to have similes like psychedelic campfires
to make my metaphors maimed angels
images that make the northern lights look like my images' shadows
and other times
i just want to write my daily poem
and call it done

#1010 greyed expectations

my feet delivered me here

within arm's reach, on the bookstore shelf sits a

happy book with a happy pink cover with a happy new mother

with her 

smile and her

newborn baby

but happiness is relative to me

i have no relative to name, or to carry my name after me

tried twice but 

justice, two babies, and two fragments of my soul got

    miscarried

i lost two things that i

    never had

i'm becoming an expert on the first trimester

can i handle a third first trimester?

after the second in one year i 

gave god the digit between the 

 annularis and the secundus manus as a gesture

after the last first trimester

i tried to muster 

the love i need to be being human being

why did my feet deliver me to this aisle?

could they see what is stuck spinning in my brain every time they step, every poem, every day?

it takes all the love i have to

feel love for the shiny glossy glowing woman with her 

smile and her

newborn baby

the book educates, soothes fears, reduces tears

all noble goals

but where is my book?

for the adult who lost two babies, while they were still Maybe's

with its cover so unmarketable a 

wannabee-parent with two dead Almost's, unremarkable

direct my feet to that aisle

grief?

self-help?

miscellaneous?

tell my feet where my answers wait in print

tell my feet why the next time will be better

tell my feet why they shouldn't cry at condolences

tell my feet why they shouldn't feel defeat

tell my feet

tell my feet

#1009 blt and chips

we eat big bedtime snacks until we're full
to fill the empty bedtimes spent alone
empty calories filled with meaning
full lives filled with emptiness
the problem is, we are living the dream
we are sleeping right through it

slow down with a fast
not to empty your self
but to fill your being
that each bite becomes a salubrious sensation
that each sip is gratifying gift
we are feeding the beast that is killing us all

find a quiet bench in a loud city
be surrounded by noises and find a quiet, a silence- inside yourself
find a bench that speaks to you in something quieter and clearer than words
sit
breathe
turn down the noise volume, so we can hear one another crying and praying

#1008 a generation of dads

he is of another time
a time when you replaced the dead family dog
after burying the original
buried him along with all emotion and memories
and maybe a toy, if no one's watching

he is of a time when you could cry for a lifetime
but only on the inside
he tried to hide tears and pride
and he did
only to have it pop out of the grave in the next generation

he cannot name emotion
feeling is something men do with hands in engines to solve problems
he is too busy forcing emotions down his esophagus
that he doesn't distinguish them
so naming is impossible

he just knows he buried the only being that understood him
the only being he was permitted to hug
and talk silly to and play with

#1007 i'm crying because spaceships are hard to eat

why am i crying?
oh heavens, what a question, child
i suppose i'm crying because spaceship parts are hard to eat
and spaceship parts is, what's in my lunch today
in my lunch a lot of days

why do i have spaceship parts in my lunch?
oh heavens, you do ask questions, child
i suppose "God" put the spaceship in my fridge
a spaceship the size of the veryestestest biggestestest giganticestest
mountainest mountain in the world
well i didn't want to tell god, "god,i hate eating spaceships!"
besides, i wasn't home when god put the spaceship in my fridge
and besides besides, i don't know god's cell phone number or e-mail address and we're not friends
at least, not on facebook

so anyways, i didn't want to tell god, "god, i hate eating spaceships!"
but even if i could talk to god, or e-mail god, or text god... i couldn't lie and say, "t-h-x 4 the spaceship, god" either
and so i eat some bites of spaceship for lunch
today i eat cockpit-bits
some breakfasts i bite the bulkhead
some fridays i feed on the fuselage
some sandwiches i stack with stabilizers
that is why i have spaceship parts in my lunch

will i ever finish eating my spaceship?
oh heavens, i don't know
one wednesday, i ate a whole wing
but another time, for a full fortnight i fasted- did not munch one measly morsel, nor bite one bit of booster
oh heavens, i don't know
i doubt i'll ever finish
though even if i do, i'm talking about a BIG spaceship here
a spaceship the size of the veryestestest biggestestest giganticestest
mountainest mountain in the world
so even if i do finish, a dish that big stays with you (you know, indigestion and the like)

do i like eating my spaceship?
oh heavens, no
though i, suppose i do like some things about eating my spaceship
i like knowing i can eat whole wings just, little ol' me
i like how strong my stomach is (when i first found the spaceship in my fridge i never thought i'd eat so much)
i like feeling connected with other spaceship-eaters (i know one special spaceship-eater and sometimes we share our spaceships: i bite a bit of hers and she chews a chunk of mine)
but, do i like eating my spaceships?

oh heavens, no
i hate eating spaceships, child

#1006

imagine a place

where arcteryx and north face are in style
while calvin klein and ralph lauren are almost shunned
a place where your bike is expected to cost more than your car
(if you have a car)
a town small enough that a trip to the grocery store is 1/4 shopping and 3/4 socializing
but big enough that there's always new people to meet
a place where red wine is not given, but lent
a place where adults get excited for snow falling
a place where 10cm is not just a length, but a rule, a way of life
a place for people who want more from life than 9 to 5

imagine
a place like that

#1005 good-bye

i didn't know how much i missed him
until he left
then happy meals felt sad
thinking about how much he'd enjoy them

and when he leaves this place
what will i do then
the present will twist into regrets
and i'll be the cranky old man i now misunderstand

#1004 the fax machine ain't nothin'

dancing with the dog in the dining room
dance moves i didn't know i had
dance moves that would embarass the most carefree
but in this house
embarassing dance moves are encouraged
singing along is expected
and hurting from yesterday's laughter is normal

#1003 putting the ex in complex

it was a best western in montreal
where we did everything we'd never done
when we woke, you were in my arms

i dressed
i kissed you and you smiled
then i left you
behind

for once
angry tension did not stand between us
i walked out the lobby and back to my own hotel
your smile on my lips

#1002 down by the river

down by the river, they talked about what would happen if she was pregnant
money and schedules and living and grandparents
they had the baby all figured
it would be tough, but they'd manage
but they did not discuss how to handle nature's cruel choice
to keep the baby from seeing the light outside the womb
they only knew how they would decorate the nursery room
and their hearts blow
like plastic grocery bags in the wind
empty and lonely and sad
and searching for meaning
in a world they learned was not malicious
but dished out malicious acts

if he could meet god
just for a minute
he'd want an explanation
want to ask the famous why
but he'd probably see red
the same red the doctor saw
he'd see red
punch god in the face
then leave
to later wish he'd asked about the fairness

#1001 the injustice of miscarriage

the tears don't dry, they just float
into the air to join the others
my tears share the ocean with the tears of others
kings and slaves
my friends and my enemies
holocaust survivors and with hitler supporters
i thought grief was on the list, with death and taxes
but i've been proven wrong
twice

#1000 the kind of friend i love

is someone who knows where (or if) you keep your house key
someone who visits, without phoning ahead
someone who falls asleep at your party, without apologizing
someone who doesn't give you a beer, they lend it, 'cause they'll get one back their next visit

is someone who tells you about the chocolate in your teeth
someone who you can share silence with
someone who doesn't do drama
someone who knows the worst things about you, and loves them

#999 you're it

night and day play tag
killing time outdoors
while grief visits inside
they chase and dodge
in an even match
killing time
the gift
that life gives each of us
well
most of us

#998 a fair poem

fair is a joke
a steel-toe kick in the balls
a slobbery spit in the eye

fair is a 4-letter f-word
a joke against humanity
a mockery of justice

fair is a fairy tale
currency for enamel
chocolate from a deranged holy bunny

fuck fair
fuck daisies
fuck hope


after all
hope fucked us

#997 falling in powder

i'm okay
or
if i'm not
i know i will be

we took the risk
and the die rolled one roll too few
but we'll be back at the table
with our chips and our smiles

friends are like snow
the more you have
then the, bigger the risk
the, softer the landing

today is a powder day
and the landing still hurt, a lot
but had there been ice or rock
i might not be typing

we half-tease
no friends on a powder day
but my friends are a powder day
thanks for being there

i'm okay
or
if i'm not
i know i will be

#996 riveting

i think about youtube but watch 2 hours of TED instead
to ease the guilt on my conscience, about my soul being dead
two hours of staring at a screen, but now i can call my dirty sin
clean

waste my morning in 20 minute clips
might as well watch teenager strips

i was given Today but i waste it away
watch the neuroscientist with a brain on a tray, to make it okay

put my sin to words to make some powerful session
like i got a monopoly on the deep in depression
but the only way to get out of being down
is to rise up
not rise up, like on no eagle's wings or spaceship things
not rise up like an angel in shrouds or miracle up through the clouds
but to rise up
up off this @#& couch

#995 lobster dinner

free the worm from the hook
the ant from the sole of the workboot
the broken baby bird twitching on the sidewalk
and if you'll not save life, then save pain
a pinch
a scuff
a twist of the neck
why do little boys de-wing little flies
why do little girls exclude little girls
why do we boil lobster live

#994 armageddon

the noise
a whoomph and a crash
tell her the roof is falling in
tell her her world is falling apart
she panics
walks through the kitchen
into the bathroom
lays down, breaths heavy but shallow
her safe place

can someone please
tell my dog
it's just snow sliding off our metal roof 

#993 sticks and stones

words fly like gravel from a slap-shot
in a game of rural road hockey
and no one's usually hurt
but this time there is a silent moment
as the baseball-glove/makeshift trapper covers an eye
then leaks blood

the words were innocent insults
but now an organ is lost
a permanent scar gained

sticks and stones break bones that heal
but names change forever how we feel

#992 going for a walk

i know the dog needs to be put down
and though the thought of being the shooter makes me sick
so does the idea of not being the shooter
for with love comes knowledge and responsibility
i know her favourite walk that ends by her favourite tree
i am responsible to make the walk with her and with the rifle and the shovel
i know she will look at me and wag her tail
i know i will force myself to look at her and smile
the walk there will be the longest yet
as will the return

#991 on a quiet lawn in winter

onto one square of winter's white
a boy
and another boy
jump
landing in pure white with no evidence of how they arrived
they swing arms and legs
talking and laughing then
jump
hiding clues of any departure
leaving two angels to tell a love story
a story in which they can hold hands in the hallway

night arrives and with it, fresh snow
hiding the angels and their story
a winter dream

#990 under the bed

there are faces in the shadows
keeping children up at nights
faces in the corners and in the clothes and toys
friends in the day
strangers in the coming dark
and we are all afraid of the dark
but only the children have the courage to speak fear out loud

#989 the kitchen table

family is a kitchen table
family is a busy car
family is seemingly unimportant moments
   that grow in importance when they are gone
      turned to memory
family is shared experience
family is who you fight with and who you love

#988 toil and trouble

a heartbeat
give me a heartbeat
all i want is life
one life
c'mon god
c'mon doctor
give her a heartbeat
and make it last longer than mine

#987 first world problems (thanks fellas)

feeling annoyance when you run out of toilet paper
and have to reach the cupboard for a new roll

snapping from the frustration of searching the living room for the remote control
before watching sports highlights you've already watched, of games you watched last night

being too full from turkey dinner to enjoy pie
but eating it anyway, with ice-cream

paying so much for organic food
for your cat

searching your overfull fridge for chocolate syrup then giving up and eating your sundae anyway, while complaining about your unsuccessful search

#986 data corruption

we trust the weather report
more than we trust the view out our window
technology is a miracle
but the way we let it own us
      is a travesty
how can you believe your screen that says right now is raining
more than your window that shows you sun on a clear blue screen

#985 january morning run

five-fifty
running the people-free, snow-filled blocks
just me and the lab
a pace that would bring sweat in june

a feel a tug on the leash
we pull over, so she can pee
when i stop
the silence tells me how loud my sneakers had squeaked
on the white asphalt

we continue
one of us mesmerized by flakes falling through street-light cones of orange
the other, wagging a tail to celebrate the simple joy of being outdoors

#984 nacho toes

thanks
for not telling me to fix the squeaky cupboard
for always being in the mood to play
for always being in the mood to listen

thanks
for getting me outside when i don't know i need to
for making me get out of bed
for reminding me its suppertime

thanks
for never pointing out my failures
for showing wild excitement every time i return home
for being so excited for breakfast, even though it's always the same thing (brown kibble)

#983 pig-house

put the potato-peeler down carrie
he's waiting for you
and he keeps checking his empty pack, for one more cigarette
we both know that when he sees you enter
he won't jump or squeal in delight but
his heart will

turn out the lights carrie
say a final goodnight
walk a final walk up the stairs against your knees' will
let the laundry wait
what will he say when he sees you
or will he just smile, mischievous

the seventh inning was over an hour ago carrie
your blue jays won
pack your wrinkles and your memories
life's gifts to you
collie's waiting with his hat askew
collie refuses to enter
says he's waiting for you

put the potato-peeler down carrie

#982 365 times x

i tear the daily page from the calendar
wad it and throw it in the recycle bin
to feel better about my gross excesses

i line innocent necks up along the guillotine
but i make sure the guillotine is clean for them
so i can feel good about my job

i am the worst kind of apathetic
i am informed and educated
but action remains a childhood lie

#981 empty road (inspired by tune of "small of my heart")

this here driveway must be a mile long
and all the dj's seem to play all their lonely love songs
i stop and wait extra long before turning left onto the empty road
onto the empty road

well there must be a lucky eyelash in my eye
only explanation except my heart it wants to cry
and i ain't feelin lucky enough for a win, or even a tie
or even a tie

use my free hand, turn up the volume
trying to make it consume
but i'm decibels short and its saying max
its saying max

when you roam, do what the roamers do
wander until the ground it eats through your shoe
cause walking backwards won't take you back in time
won't take you back in time

this here driveway must be a mile long
and all the dj's seem to play all their lonely love songs
i stop and wait extra long before turning left onto the empty road
onto the empty road

#980 amber

though her name was amber
she made me want to go
to leave caution behind at the traffic light
everyone knew she was trouble waiting  to happen
but she was an adventure-magnet
and adventure-magnets pull people to them
like the food table in the first few minutes of a party

she showed me adventure
she left me with trouble
and i think of her
each time i gamble on an amber

#979 slam

gone is the day of ginsberg
and here
(though not to stay)
is today's new word
with the emotion of rap
without the bitches and hoes and that crap
the truth of the bible
without the thou art
though it be art
its characteristic token
that it loses something when not spoken
the moment of performance
"perform"
from the old french parfournir...
meaning, to accomplish
because the words are one ingredient
mixed with abstracts turned concrete like emotion and truth 
and mixed with timing and sharing and audience and response and adrenaline
and, as with all great new movements it will become locked
in rules and politics and ownership and one-upmanship
even now- stay under 180 seconds
but, as with all great new movements it will become something
even now- it changes me

#978 2-3x/day

i never
asked my girl to scrawl on little slips scraps of paper
i never
asked her to stuff them in the suggestion box that is my pumping heart
i never
asked her to see the best in me
i never

i never
but she did
like my grade 12 mathematics teacher, only on a bigger scale
my girl saw what i was capable of
saw that the person inside was bigger
than my body showed

i never
been so afraid of nothing
i mean
my girl rewrote my dictionary
omitted words like can't, like impossible, and phrases like, yeah maybe tomorrow
she turned days, into possibilities
gandhi's words about world change, into reality
and silence, into comfort

and me i
realizing that being good is hard but, being great is harder
and me i
afraid of failing her and me
and me i
walk through fear like an elephant who lived youth in the wild, walks through chains

and me i
still discovering the me that she see, when she see me
when i brush my teeth in the mirror
and me i
using that mental dental time to do what the me staring back be doing
we both be reflecting
on me
(and avoiding cavity)

#977 the poem

there is something inside my head
a something with heft
like a rock
but its not a rock
this something surges
like a roaring storm wave
but its not a wave
for it whispers
like a back-up vocals unheard until the hundredth listen
but its not lyrics
for it is more visceral than words
like gregorian chant
but it is not a prayer
for it is clear
as clear as a bluebird day
but it is not a bluebird day
for it is angry
angry like a panicked mother who just found her runaway son
but it is not a mother
for it does not love me and wants to separate itself from my head
like a tuft of hair from my barber's clippers
but it is not hair
for this something has heft

#976 the load

days drag on as weeks whiz by
spending hours a day at something i used to believe in
now i am what i used to loathe
what i used to not understand
imagine- being what you hate

how hard a task it is
    to find motivation
how slow the process
    as you stumble and crawl
the weight of your old expectations
still knotted to your back

#975 eugene mission cemetery

on some playground, somewhere
kids are gathered, talking and sharing
and outside the group are the loners, the excluded
dreaming of being invited, of belonging

in a garden of crosses, behind today's casino
young crosses gather, remembering and sharing
and outside the garden are the lonely spirits, the sinners
deserving of being invited, of belonging

#974 postcard to grandparents c/o heaven

do you have adjoining rooms in heaven
are you living life again
without sore knees and weak synaptic connections
without bills and stresses
is there a swing in the yard
do you sit there in happy silence
or do you laugh and recollect
and make new memories

things are good here
i'm hoping to see you
but doubt i'll get there for a while
everyone's pretty good
no big changes
miss you lots

#973 wagging at breakfast

if life is appreciation
then i have found life under an overpass in a cold rain
i have found life in a handwritten letter
and again in a straight line

if life is the miraculous
then i have found life in the comfort of good socks
i have found life in a child's mispronunciation
and again in the wag of a dog's tail at breakfast


if life is the inspirational
then i have found life in the night sky
i have found life in the random song from my radio
and again in my mother's new hobby

life is all this and more
life is all this
and less

#972 the walls at grandma's house

the house has a tired look about it
tired but content
happily resigned to their reality

the ceiling sags
the faded walls show no signs of wanting fresh colour
the walls are old and content
not wanting to delude themselves with the latest fashion
afraid fresh paint would hide happy memories
of simple times
plain and good

the walls miss the days filled
with sounds of kids (now with kids and walls of their own)
rushing to catch the school bus

but reality tempers nostalgia
the idea of going back to that time is exhausting
they did the work
now stand content
happy in their memories

#971 the man in the chair

the metal recliner faces away from me
a heavy voice comes clear from its sitter
belittling me, mocking me, challenging me
i've known the voice, and its sitter
since the days when my schoolwork lived on the fridge
still he sits
still he speaks

#970 the end of the song

a voice travels from inside the iPod
a voice drowned in emotion
sliding agony down my throat
in this different here and now
the instruments too
send me to a scary dark corner in my soul
but the song ends
while my day goes on

#969 old pendulum or new paradigm

remember the days when a computer filled a room
and computed less than today's calculator
and slower

will that be how we look at today's education system
will "personalized learning" make today's model obsolete
or is it yet another pendulum that will swing back soon
to learning by rote

i'm not sure what i think
or even what i hope
but i'm excited to see

#968 no one wins silver

bronze is won
while gold is lost

second best in the world
or best in your final game

win on a high note
or lose on a higher one

third place winner
or first place loser

losing gold hurts so much, even the Golds
want the Silvers to sulk in the locker room

bronze brings more high-fives than does silver
silver brings more slumped-shoulders than does bronze

every cloud may have a silver lining
but every silver medal has a cloudy lining

#967 massage, music, and life

hands
push
hard
then fingertips skim, light

chords
tighten
your soul
then enter the root chord, home

unhappiness
stress
self-uncertainty
then a smile returns you to a place of confidence

tension and release

#966 familiar fear

the familiar creeks and groans
of feet in the hallway
upstairs, above your head
comforting
except
tonight
you're home by yourself

#965 in touch

with stories rewritten, updated
we press Send
packing our bags for home
we know their current stresses and hobbies
friends and paths

#964 this side up

enjoying a bag of popcorn
is less impressive
than enjoying
each
every
kernel
in the bag

to be present for
each
every
bite

aware, conscious, alive
each
every
bite

#963 happily ever after

i want to tell your skin its favourite story
a story it has not heard
i want to open your covers and enjoy each word
hold the book in my hands
i want to learn your parts of speech
nibble on your nouns
play with your preposition
remove your unnecessary articles

let's co-author a classic
come, break the rules with me
split my infinitive
double my bestest superlative
run on my sentence

#962 looking out and in; back and forward

the fallen snow pulls more flakes to join on the late december ground
though each flake is unique, they all fall to the same ground
though each flake is unique, it is the same snow
that fell when i wore a tiny sock and that will fall when i wear an older sock
the same stories play out different
on my side of the window

#961 good morning

this morning
in our bedroom
i lazed in bed
as she returned from the shower
in a towel

as she rooted for satisfactory clothes
the towel fell to the hardwood
and though her body is beautiful,
my eyes stayed on her face
as i smiled
thinking about forever

#960 +

if you can't find fun in a xylophone
release in bubble-wrap
childhood in a puddle

if you can't find a giggle over flatulence
excitement waiting for dessert
peace in a baby

if you can find none of these
then the world is not the trouble
nor are you
but the way you're seeing one another

#959 the latest status

clean out your Friends
prioritize, delete, and update
sort, contact, and block
fill them in on the ordinary, the mundane, the banal
omit the important, the personal, the undesirable
and watch
 as the self-importance of your status
overtakes the status of the importance of self
ttyl

#958 christmas mourning

i am a kid again
running down the stairs december 25th morning
except there are no gifts, no stockings
but the whole family is there
one's peeling potatoes, another's listening to his radio by the washer
one is cheating at scrabble (miffed she's not mentioned first), another's watching races (with his cap sitting high)
one is wearing his wallabees and glasses-with-strap, another's all ready for shopping
my heart is a helicopter in my upper chest and throat
the whole family is here
everyone

#957 a ball and chain named Guilt

he undresses
stares at his ankle
bleeding and blistered and bruised
crawls into bed, alone
wondering why

the next morning
he crawls out of bed
heavy and heartsick and unhappy
alone
wondering why

#956 hay is for horses

i was on the back of the full hay-wagon
enjoying the putt-putt of the muffled muffler
enjoying the view
then BANG
a gunshot-like sound as the rear tire below
hey i shouted
to the view that had stopped slipping away in front of me
and the axle gave way
then, what had moments ago seemed a well-packed load
let loose
slow-motion for a second or so
but gaining momentum into a fast-forward effect
i did not, i could not
see this happening
not without riding through the world imagining the worst around every turn
it just happened
not my fault
not hers
the wheels just came off

#955 driving through life

what i know is that i make some bad decisions
sometimes i know and steer into the ditch anyway, or the oncoming traffic
sometimes i don't know until i see my mistake with the words superimposed
objects in mirror are closer than they appear
but decisions, good and bad
are proof my license is MINE
earned and paid for

#954 a white chest hair

i am angry at age
  her cruel tricks of gray and stiffness

i am angry at age
  her bullying and abuse

am i angry at age
  or my procrastination and laziness

am i angry at age
  or at my failures to make more of this gift called a lifetime

#953 on writing thank you cards

how do i turn my soul inside out
inside a folded piece of cardboard
how do i express what i'm thinking
within the confinees of a human-made language

i can't

so i sit and overuse the adjective very
underline too many words
cover it all in exclamation marks
post it and send it

but THANK YOU
your kindness and your presence improved my life

#952 spaceships and birthday cards

I’m taking a spaceship

back to childhood

Where kissing kites was real

And the top of the fridge was a distant galaxy

I'm taking a spaceship

Preparing for take off to Planet Kid

Where crunching garden-carrots and their dirt was adventure

And dreading a full mailbox was something he swore he’d never do

I'm taking a spaceship

Leaving behind this stratos-fear

Back to the land of age-specific birthday cards for every year

To where adhesive strips and a mother’s hugs could fix the world’s problems

#951 when eyelids have much to say

she's the angry girl in grade 11
the one who always gives her gum a work-out
the one who has perfected the eye roll for when teachers tell her what to do
the one who always has an aggressive excuse for being late

but today a teacher caught her alone
and asked, what's the matter, you seem sad today
and her eyelids became a two-chambered dam
preventing catastrophic flood

she mumbled about bad news
not wanting to talk about it
family stuff
but it's all good now she lied

then she left for lunch
and stopped
to collect her hard exterior
harder than her top locker

#950 inspired by aesop

a Man and a Bear watch a movie
about a man conquering a bear
Man says to Bear,
see, Man is Stronger than Bear
Bear says to Man
if Bear made a movie
for every time Bear conquered Man
the Movie store would have a new section

People live in the past by boasting when they accomplish something they're unsure they can accomplish in the future

#949 bird crap and fairness

what goes up doesn't always come down
what goes around doesn't always come around
i'm 34 and i won't grow younger
my baby died before it was born
we pretend that life is fair
that good guys finish first
that cheaters never prosper
but the axis of the world doesn't care
bird crap doesn't distinguish
it just falls

sometimes
good things happen to bad people
sometimes 
bad things happen to good people
and sometimes, bird crap
it just falls

#948 on notes from the other side of the door

three fingers on six strings
drop my mind into a foreign consciousness
a language in which there are no words for
regret
money
or time



until the world
as it does every time
closes the book on this noble language
but then i return to our world
refreshed ready
an actor who has returned from the secret door
understanding the deceit

#947 a child is born

three stockings hang in anticipation
two mediums, matching in everything but colour
one red one green
the third, large and fancy
personalized
with the dog's name
the kitchen is bustling with two people preparing for the holiday
and neither knows that life is about to change

#946 repeat

notes massage my temples
like straight rain on a tin roof
familiar chords carry me
to a safe place within myself
the comfort that comes
from listening to a good song enough times

#945 a chance

the ship is climbing toward land and destruction
daily stresses vanish and life snaps into perspective
why didn't i spend more time doing what i love
with the people i love
seconds now, and it'll all be over
if only i had another chance
and then


the ship turns
i sigh relief
and return to my to-do list

#944 pre-independence

i remember when
hockey stats were as important
as the colour of each ninja turtle's accessories
when monday to friday were measured
in relation to recess, lunch, and, dismiss
and time was still considered in chunks
equal to your favourite tv show
when any problem could be fixed
either by dad's tools
or by mum's hugs

i remember,
but i'm forgetting

#943 once upon a time

everyone was heading the same direction
i watched, wondering
shy to ask, afraid i should know
i eavesdropped and it paid off

a baby, a king, born tonight
just an hour east
i walked, among the throngs
then noticed a gift in every set of arms

i was wealthy then
but i had nothing with me
what is a suitable gift for the king of mankind
born in a filthy barn

i asked mary, the mum, if she wanted gold
her head shook
i asked joseph, mary's hubby, if they wanted animals
his head shook

a forgotten part of my mind wondered if i should tell a story
the infant smiled

a story? i asked
i swear, three heads nodded
and i began with the best procrastinator i knew
to give my imagination time to flow through my veins

#942 a song for the sirs and the generals A,D

let me rock on the swing in my backyard
let me whistle to my kitchen radio
let me smoke my dirty ol' cigarette
for it's my last one in this here pack

let me sharpen my own saw
let me bait my worm on my hook
let me smoke my dirty ol' cigarette
for it's my last one in this here pack

let me fill this pail full o' blueberries
let me drive my own pick-up to town
let me smoke my dirty ol' cigarette
for it's my last one in this here pack

let me kiss carrie goodnight
let me mix up my kids' names with theirs
let us smoke my cigarettes
for it's the last two here in this life

#941 so unchanging

shin deep in fresh snow
that hides fallen trunks
we wade in winter gear
stopping here, there
to assess a tree
sleeping beneath standard white blanket
if the tree shows enough promise
i flip up my hood and shake the blanket
into a million little miracles
each catching the bluebird light

#940 relationship letters

i want to tell you it'll be okay but i don't wanna insult your soul with cliche
your love might work out and it might burn out, but life
life is separate from this love
great romantic relationships are one letter in the alphabet of life
without that letter there will words you will no longer be able to write,
then maybe you will misspell, then maybe you will re-spell
but you can still write, for you still have your alphabet
and time will tell
whether you lost a q or a z
or an a or an e
the first two seem more replaceable, but their uniqueness and character will be missed
the second two seem irreplaceable, but most words are recognizable with their absence
i won't tell you everything'll be okay
because it won't
but it will

#939 and that is music

sound and silence
share and compete
they dance and they fight

lyrics, a guitar, a bass, drums, and a voice
conspire to lose themselves in the collective porduct
the song

and when it's alright
it distracts me from this story called life
but
when it's all right
the song, the timing, the listener
it transcends language and lyric
touches the lub-dub of truth

#938 second-hand compliments

second-hand compliments
my favourite
with their motivation, unsuspect
they are as believable as the statement
that bad thins happen to good people
but bring happier feelings
when i hear so-and-so said you were the most trustworthy person ever
i believe it more than any first-hand version
and so, reader
let me say
i've heard from other writers,
you are the reason they write